THE TOLWORTH TOP TEN with Dickie the Vicar

1 MR BLOBBY Mr Blobby Will the pink nightmare ever be shifted from the top spot? In an age where records come and go like nobody's business, the Blob's success has been bizarre. Number one for the 676th week in a row.
2 PADDY O'LEPRECHAUN & THE BIG PURPLE PENGUIN BAND Free as a Wombat Unless you've been living under a rock on Venus for the past few months, you cannot have failed to notice the impact the madcap Irishman Paddy O'Leprechaun has had on the pop scene. The stirring mix of meaningful lyrics and catchy pop melodies have made the boys a firm favourite with all ages.
So I was as shocked as Fred Spiggins down the Working Mens' Club when their latest single only debuted at number two, despite selling an astonishing twelve copies at Barry Groove's Record Shop. Watch out for their new album, which features such classics as hardcore dance of Tuesday Afternoon, the garage of Nick Nack Paddy Bone Give the Dog a Whack, the indie grunge of I've Got a Brand New Pair of WellyBoots and a touching cover version of Joe Dolce's Shaddap You Face.

3 WILL GATES Unchained Melody Winner of DMTV's massively successful Pop Idiot (hooray!), this is ten year-old Will's first single release - and what an inspired, original choice of a song to cover!
4 DEREK SNODLAND Stop Living the Truth Winner of The Road Surfacing Channel's massive flop Fame Nursery (yah boo sucks!), this is two year-old Derek's first single release, a song which he originally wrote when he was just six months old.
5 CHAS AND DAVE Rabbit No, it's not Dave Presley, though it's an easy mistake to make if you've got your eyes closed. This moving tribute to Chas's favourite animal drops one place in the charts this week.
6 THE CRAZY FROG Oxygene Part XXXIX Jean-Michel Jarre returns to the charts.
7 PUFF DADDY I am a Cider Drinker I'm getting very fed up with this bloke who keeps talking over other people's records. But any opportunity to get the Wurzels back into the charts is worth it.
8 STATUS QUO In the Army Now A disappointingly low entry into the charts from the greatest rock band in the world. Also disappointing to hear they're giving up music and joining the army. I'd have thought they were a bit old for that.
9 RADIOHEAD Snooker Loopy The miserable lads from Oxford take the Matchroom Mob classic back into the charts.
10 IAN MCCASKILL AND ANNE ROBINSON Hello Goodbye Good grief...

Watch the Top 10 countdown!

Watch the countdown from numbers 30-11!

DAVE PRESLEY'S MUSIC REVIEWS

Can't decide which record to buy? Read Dave's helpful and in-depth reviews which will make things a whole lot clearer!

FINGER
I've Got a Fish and I'm Gonna Feed It

Where do I begin with this one? Maybe I should start at the end. Or end with the beginning. Or maybe start with the end of the middle before the beginning's finished.

Anyhow, this is a rousing new single from the Surbiton foursome. Take some lush treacly melodic harmonies overlaid with a sprinkling of syrupy liquid vocals, mixed in with a cheesy but haunting drum beat, and 4oz of baking powder. Put it all in the pop blender, and out of the melting pot comes a concoction of liquidised melodies and forward-thinking backward pop-soul-rock which has one eye on the 20th century, one on the 21st, and the third on the bit in between.

VERDICT: Hated it. 1/5

LUNATIC CAR PARK
Whole Lotta Potatoes

If music be the food of love, this one gave me an upset stomach. If music was cars, this one is a 1975 Austin Allegro 1.5 TC. If music was fish, this one certainly wasn't soul. If music was a television show, this one is Terry and June. If music was dogs, this one is a dachsund. If music was board games, this one is Go for Broke. If music was dominos, this one is the one with four spots on it. If music was trees, this one is a conifer. If music was countries, this one is Bulgaria. If music was music, this one is Lunatic Car Park. If music was digital watches, this one is one of those ones with a calculator on it. If music was dinosaurs, this one is a diplodocus. If music was shoes, this one is sandals. If music was dining rooms, this one has a serving hatch to the kitchen. If music was video recorders, this one is a Philips VR2000.

VERDICT: Fantastic! 5/5

MR BLOBBY
Mr Blobby

This new single's been getting massive airplay on Des and Mick FM, and it's not difficult to see why. On first hearing, it moved me to tears. Even on repeated listens, the poignancy of the piece still shines through. Haunting melodies and deep lyrics sung with passion make up what is sure to become an all-time classic. I predict a bright future, too, for vocalist Mr Blobby. He has too much talent to be limited just to the music field. A career in television, particularly on Saturdays, must follow.

VERDICT: Fair. 2/5

TURNIP STRUCTURE
The Sun Has Got His Hat On

Ten green bottles hanging on a wall. If eight fell off, there'd be two left. And that is pretty much the thinking behind Turnip Structure's new single.

This slow, up-tempo track really struggled to hold my interest. Loud, but at the same time very quiet, this rocky but actually quite soulful track is what I would probably describe as a record. The hard-edged guitar sound contrasts greatly with the hard-edged guitar sound, but despite this, it's best listened to on a stereo system. Sultry vocals combine with an atmospheric bassline to give what reminds me of an old steam train in Hartlepool, but only on Thursdays.

If you buy the CD version, give a listen to the MC Fatman Fat (aka John Prescott) drum 'n' bass trip hop dance remix on side 2. Because I forgot to, so I'd like to know what it's like.

There is no doubt whatsoever that this will be a massive hit. Possibly.

VERDICT: Good, but at the same time very bad. 3/5

SO FLIMSY CREW
184 Seconds To Go

This track is about 184 seconds too long. Well to be precise, when I timed this song with my stopwatch it actually came out as 183 seconds long, so I reckon an encounter with the Advertising Standards Agency could be in order here. Only thing is, all 74 members of the Crew are already in prison.

VERDICT: Delightful. 1/5

TWELVE ANGRY SHEEP
Last Night I Didn't Go to Bed Till Ten O'Clock

Diabolical. Bilge. Dross. Drivel. All words that cannot be applied to Twelve Angry Sheep's new single. Because if you do, they'll beat you up.

The Sheep make Iron Maiden seem like, well, sheep. Guns 'n' Roses are small fluffy bunnies in comparison to this group. Even Meatloaf was seen quaking in his boots at their recent concert. That's not to say they're rough. But at their last concert, not only did they destroy all their equipment, but then proceeded to beat up each other, then the audience, then went and had a curry.

This group takes thrash metal, turns it on its head, then turns it back again and throws it around for a bit. This follow-up single to their last hit, I Eat Jam Doughnuts After the Sell-by Date, is really very good. No, it is. Honest. I really loved it. It really is excellent.

A small point: the group's name is slightly misleading. There aren't twelve of them, and they're not sheep. But they can get very angry, which is why you should go out and purchase this single now. It really is so good. I reckon I can fight all of them though.

VERDICT: Diabolical. Bilge. Dross. Drivel. 5/5

SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND
The Beatles

This is a new foursome from Liverpool who I have certainly not come across before. This album, strangely titled The Beatles, just doesn't cut the mustard in my opinion.

Here is a selection of dreary, uninspired tracks including such shockers as She's Leaving Home, Lovely Rita Meter Maid, Good Morning and A Day in the Life. The band even resort to plugging themselves on the initial track on the album, and are so obviously bereft of ideas that they have to repeat the same track virtually word for word towards the end of the album.

Quite frankly, this group is a complete rip off of recent bands, particularly Oasis.

The band are pictured on the front cover, and are obviously so unpopular that their audience is entirely made up of cardboard cut-outs. I'm not sure which one is Sergeant Pepper, but he certainly needs to buck his ideas up if he thinks his band is going to get anywhere.

VERDICT: A heap of unoriginal tat. No mustard was cut here. 0/5

Copyright © Robert Williams 2000-2003