The UK's most popular television channel which starts with a D and ends with a V with two letters in between is proposing to put into effect an ambitious plan which will take the company firmly into the age of 625-line television.

DMTV is planning to launch 42 new channels, and they will be on air as soon as the plans get government approval. This is expected in the year 2017.

Under the plan, the main channel, DMTV, will be renamed DMTV31. The other channels are as follows:

EDMTVChoice2 - our channel for younger, groovier viewers is already on air! See here for details

DMTV Old - showcasing DMTV's extensive archive of fondly remembered comedy and drama shows from the past. (On air Tuesdays 11.10-11.15am)

DMTV Old Gold - showing the programmes that used to be on DMTV Old

DMTV Old Gold Gold - showing the programmes that used to be on DMTV Old Gold

DMTV Old Gold Gold Mould - showing programmes that are so old the videotape's going a bit mouldy

DMTV3 - this channel will timeshare with DMTV7

The DMTV Sport Channel - now we've finally secured the rights to the Carshalton Egg and Spoon Race, we've decided to set up an entire channel just to show this annual eggstravaganza (!!!!) on! Plus, with DMTV Sports Interactive, you, yes YOU, will have the ability to choose which chicken lays the eggs to be used in the race.

The DMTV Short Channel - channel for and by short people

DMTV +1 - time shifted channel aimed at mathematicians

DMTV +1*5(78+(88/4)*11)+(94-(6*8)-3) - time shifted channel aimed at more intelligent mathematicians

DMTV Drainpipes - this proposal has come into particular criticism from DMTV's competitor, Drainpipes 24, who feel it will steal their viewer

DMTV4 - this channel will timeshare with DMTV9 and DMTV5

DMTV Films - taken from Des's very own video collection

DMTV Sports Extra - all of the slightly less interesting sport that we've got the rights to, but there isn't room for on The DMTV Sport Channel. Forthcoming attractions will include the Balham Three-Legged Race for Hedgehogs, the Long Jump off a Short Pier, and golf

DMTV Extreme(ly boring) Sports - more golf

CDMteevies - patronising presenters introducing the same cartoons ten times a day

Naughty CDMteevies - patronising presenters introducing programmes for children playing truant

DMTV Movie Max - featuring a man called Max moving about a lot

UKDMTV - on this channel the trailers are longer than the programmes

DMTV Bad Taste - don't let the name mislead you, this is actually our new food channel where everything is cooked by Mrs Greasy. Well actually, it's very accurate

DMTV Students - channel for students. The breakfast show will be broadcast at 2.00pm

DMTV Cheese 24 - unrivalled round the clock coverage of cheese

DMTV No Style - channel for people with absolutely no sense of style. All programmes presented by Des Wednesday

DMTV Council - wall-to-wall coverage of local council proceedings. Due to limited bandwidth, on digital terrestrial this channel will be available with pictures only.

DMTV None of Your Business - it's really none of your business, so this channel will not be bringing you up-to-date with the latest stocks and shares

DMTV Simply Honey - advice on managing your honey supplies

MDMTV - yet another music channel with all the most useless videos from this week's Tolworth Top 10

MDMTV Double Bass - featuring only records that have a double bass in them

DMTV Dartsworld - very classy, upmarket channel about darts

DMTV8 - this channel will timeshare with DMTV9 on Wednesdays, DMTV3 on Tuesdays and DMTV41 the rest of the week

DMTV TMLRC - no idea what this one is

DMTV VHS-1 - music channel where the picture quality is worse than VHS video. To be broadcast by Top Up TV only

DMTV Select - DMTV's new pay-per-view service. Err...sorry, that should be paper-view service - DMTV's new channel which lets you catch up with all the latest sheets of paper

DMTV Box - continuous coverage of boxes

DMTV Shop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - ever wondered what happened to all your favourite presenters from ten years ago? Well, we've given them all exclusive contracts to work on our new shopping channel

DMTV94 - this channel will timeshare with BBC2

DMTV Unemployed - wall-to-wall American talk shows and soaps

DMTV.co.uk - channel with a trendy title, but no actual content

http://www.dmtv.//@com.des.co.uk@///com...//net..forwardslash//bbc///...:wwwww.com@.dot..html - channel with a trendy title, but the entire output is taken up giving out the web address

dmtv - channel with its title written in lower case, so it must be trendy, surely?!!

DMTV423 - this channel will timeshare with DMTV8, DMTV174, DMTV7 and DMTV423

DMTV Test Card - Test Card J shown 24 hours a day. Expected to be easily the most popular of all the new DMTV channels

OVER TO YOU

In order to have a hope of getting these new services approved, we've got to pretend to listen to your views and ideas first. So please e-mail us here!

Copyright © Robert Williams 2001