SATURDAY

9.00am Dead and Sleeping How Des feels on Saturday morning

12.00 The Planet's Funniest Leaves Rib-tickling clip show.

12.30pm Blandstand A tedious afternoon of local sports, including coverage of this year's slug race

5.00 DMTV News

5.10 You've Been Filmed! The budget's already running out, so here's a cash-saving selection of side-splitting moments from Des's home videos, including that unforgettable time Mick fell off his chair

5.35 The Regeneration Game Game show in which the remaining Doctor Whos compete in daft games, like redecorating the TARDIS, and driving a dalek round some cones

6.20 Des's House Party Wacky fun and games from Des's pretend house in Wrinkly Town. Watch out for an appearance from Mr Blubby, and YOU could be the star of DTV. Plus, watch as Clive Kippers is caught out with a Getcha!

7.00 Robin Hoodie Classic tales from Sherwood Forest updated to appeal to a modern youth audience

7.45 Pop Idiot DMTV's search for a star for tomorrow - and you can vote for who stays in! In fact, don't bother, because all ten of our finalists have already signed record deals. Pop Idiot Extra follows immediately on our digital channel, EDMTVChoice2

8.30 The Zzz Factor DMTV's search for a star for tomorrow - and you can vote for who stays in! In fact, don't bother, because all ten of our finalists have already signed record deals. The Zzz Factor Extra follows immediately on our digital channel, EDMTVChoice2

9.15 The Joy of Microwaves - Live DMTV is proud to present a fun-packed live interactive entertainment show celebrating the phenomenon that has been sweeping the nation over the last couple of years - the microwave!

9.30 The Joy of Microwaves - Microwave Maniacs A serious but at the same time highly amusing documentary exploring how microwaves have transformed our lives in the last couple of years

10.00 Pop Idiot - The Result! Find out if anyone was sad enough to actually ring in

10.15 The Zzz Factor - The Result! Find out if anyone was sad enough to actually ring in

10.30 DMTV News

10.45 Big Bore-ther DMTV's mean-spirited 'reality' game show in which ten innocent members of the public are locked inside a house and forced to watch DMTV 24 hours a day for eight years. The winner is the last contestant to go insane. This week, find out if Nasty Neil will be evicted for increasing his colleagues' agony by changing channels to ITV

(And don't forget you can see all-day coverage of the Big Bore-ther house on EDMTVChoice2, on which YOU can watch people, um, watching DMTV. Err...so what's the point in that then?)

11.15 The Joy of Microwaves Late A more adult-orientated look at microwaving

11.30 The Doonicans DMTV's madcap reality series which follows the wacky life of Val Doonican and his zany family

12.00 DMTV News 25 The world's only 25-hour news channel

SUNDAY

9.00am Breakfast with Ice A selection of frozen water for Sunday morning

10.00 Heaven Help Us Religious magazine with Dickie the Vicar. This week, a discussion of this week's moral issues, a look at religion in today's society, and computer game reviews

11.00 Tony and Jean A repeat of the zany 80s sitcom. This week, hilarity ensues as Tony's boss Sir Kenneth is unexpectedly coming round to dinner but Jean hasn't bought any frozen peas!

11.30 Country Files Farmer Files with the latest farming issues, plus the weather forecast for pigs

12.00 Bore-a-nation Street Omnibus edition

2.30pm View Points Des presents your complaints about DMTV (shortened edition this week)

4.30 Space Trek - the Next Generation Game Captain Forsyth goes boldly where no chin has been before

5.15 Joke Box Jury The panel determine whether the latest gags are funny or not

5.45 DMTV News

5.55 Hymn and Hers Dickie the Vicar selects his favourite hymns and Status Quo tracks

6.30 Last of the Autumn Cider Gentle northern sitcom now in its 85th year, still with its original cast, and still with the same plot every week

7.00 Antique Road Show Mick Scullery valuates some antique roads

7.45 Twenty-Eight Years, Three Months and Fifteen Days of the Two Micks Highlights of that legendary comedy double act - Mick Woolley and Mike the Manic Mechanic (well, you can almost call them The Two Micks). Includes that sketch where Mike goes into a shop asking for broom handles, plus more ramblings from the comfy chair with Mick, where he relates to us some jokes the producer told him

8.30 Flop Gear This week Jeremiah Clarkton, Dickie Gerbil and Jake Maynot blow up a caravan

9.15 Torturewood Glasgow-based spin-off of DMTV's sci-fi hit Professor What, starring former Dead and Sleeping presenter John Wheelbarrow as Captain Jock. Note: contains adult themes

10.00 DMTV News

10.15 Pride and Prejudice Des is very proud about this big-budget costume drama, on which he has spent £24. Stars Clive as Mr D'Arcy and Mrs Greasy as Elizabeth Bennett

11.00 60 Cult US thriller, played out in real time over the course of one minute, in 60 episodes. The next episode follows immediately on EDMTVChoice2

11.00.01 The John Smith Collection Some bloke called John Smith conducts a worldwide search to find five other people called John Smith. This week, John gets a tip off that there may be someone in London called John Smith...

11.30 Then Nelson Said To Me First showing of this previously unseen DMTV sitcom about the Battle of Trafalgar, made in 1899 but kept under due to the outbreak of the Boer War. In this episode, Private Pitts, played by Mickey Howerd, mixes up Colonel Withering's paperwork, with hilarious consequences!

12.00 DMTV News 25

WEEKDAYS

8.57am FA:LL DMTV's brand new informal breakfast show, for people who can't be bothered to get any earlier. Presenter Des Wednesday himself can't be bothered to get any earlier, and so presents the show from his kitchen table whilst eating his Rice Krispies

10.30 It's Agony! Mrs Greasy with the problem line

11.00 Killjoy Clive Kippers-Silk, who has been spending too long on the sunbed, presents topical studio discussion

12.00 Can't Cook, But Still Cooks Hilarious game show, in which contestants try to teach host Mrs Greasy to cook

12.30pm Bore-a-nation Street Another chance to see yesterday's episode

1.00 DMTV News

1.30 Tolworth Today

1.45 Roundabouts An unwelcome return for this old soap set in the Roundabouts Motel, which previously ran from 1965-89 and no one liked first time round. In this week's episodes, odd job man Billy goes missing on a trip to the shed

2.10 The Gerry the Gerbil Show Mrs Greasy's pet gerbil hosts this talk show where various pets get into ridiculous fights

2.50 Pages from Desfax

3.20 45 Minutes of People Opening Boxes Des Tidybeard hosts what could possibly be the most extraordinary game yet

4.05 Children's DMTV Wayne Coach presents a line-up of shows for kids, with help from Simon the Spoon. Programmes include Newssquare, Green Peter, Mick the Builder, Playminibus and Postwoman Pam

4.50 Strange Hill DMTV's long running school drama, which has recently relocated without explanation from North London to the Mediterranean, because that's where the show's new producer is based, although we don't expect viewers to notice the change

5.15 The Weakest Quiz The harsh Mrs Greasy presents the quiz show where no one wins anything, in fact she doesn't even ask the contestants any questions, instead she just insults them for 45 minutes

6.00 DMTV News

6.30 Tolworth Tonight

7.00-12.00 See below

MONDAY

7.00 Glad You Weren't There Des and Mick review some of their best holidays, including the time they went to Bognor, and the time they stayed at home

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street Daily soap opera, including all the action from the local pub, the Vauxhall's Return

8.00 Who Wants to Win a Pound? The first of three visits this week to the nail-biting quiz in which members of the public stand to win up to £1

9.00 FILM: There's a Giant Gerbil Loose in Caterham Des Wednesday and Mick Woolley feature in an all-star cast in this dramatic thriller. (Director Des Wednesday, 1992). Continues after the news

10.00 DMTV News at Ten Getting in the way of the film

10.30 FILM: There's a Giant Gerbil Loose in Caterham You waited all the way through the news for the second part, and then you decide it wasn't really worth watching after all

11.00 Des's Great Impressions Des does his superb impressions of Jimmy Savile, Prince Charles and Margaret Thatcher

11.30 I'm Alan Titchmarsh Sitcom about a former gardening presenter who now presents a late night show on Radio Melton Mowbray and upsets everyone he meets

12.00 DMTV News 25

TUESDAY

7.00 Get a New House Buying a new house? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including 'go to the estate agent'

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Ruin Your Life Your life too perfect? Don't panic, our team of experts promise to have your life completely ruined in just six weeks!

8.30 Walking with Worms Another chance to see this ground-breaking documentary

9.00 The Plod Hard-hitting, realistic drama at the police station. This week, someone nicks the bell off PC Plod's bicycle

10.00 DMTV News at Ten

10.30 Inspector Coarse The foul-mouthed detective solves another mystery in Cambridge

11.30 Movie 07 Snappily named film review programme, broadcast as late as possible

12.00 DMTV News 25

WEDNESDAY

7.00 Get a New Mouse Buying a new mouse? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including 'go to the pet shop'

7.30 Only Dipsticks and Zebras To fill the gap left by Bore-a-nation Street, the fifty-ninth chance to see this episode of DMTV's most popular sitcom which has been shown so many times the colour is fading, but we still show it as it guarantees a big audience

8.00 This is Your Wife Mick Aspel surprises well-known celebrities by introducing them to their spouse at the most unexpected moments!

8.30 Who Wants to Win a Pound? More tension, as Des asks the contestants if they're sure, and would they like to ask the audience (what audience?!)

9.30 Bore-a-nation Street A later start time tonight, as Des has just realised it normally clashes with Coronation Street. (Unfortunately, ITV are showing a football match tonight, so it still clashes)

10.00 DMTV News at Ten

10.30 Crimewatch Tolworth This week, a dramatic reconstruction of a serious incident in which someone nicks the bell off PC Plod's bicycle

11.00 Big Bore-ther More boredom from the Big Bore-ther house. This time, ex-bishop Andy plays a tune on his double bass in order to block out the sound of Killjoy

11.30 Des and Mick Unplanned Des and Mick haven't actually thought of anything to put in this slot, so they'd better come up with something quick!

12.00 DMTV News 25

THURSDAY

7.00 Get a New Spouse Buying a new spouse? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including...ummm...

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Who Wants to Win a Pound? Another gap in the schedule, so another hour of tedium to fill it

9.00 The Laughing Gnome Exciting new police drama in which modern day DI Stan Taylor is involved in an accident with a toaster and gets transported back to the year 1967 where he has to come to terms with some very unusual policing methods...

10.00 DMTV News at Ten Let us remind viewers DMTV was the first television channel to have its main news at 10.00, it having started back in 1867, and has been broadcast at that time every single weekday ever since, except for that time in 1973 when the tiddlywinks championships overran because someone lost the red tiddlywink

10.30 Query Time Des Dimbleby hosts topical political discussion. This week's discussion points: the state of the Euro, and which way does the panel hang their loo paper?

11.15 The Farmer Files Scary sci-fi drama as Farmer Files investigates supernatural occurances at his farm. This week, aliens abduct all the pigs

12.00 DMTV News 25

FRIDAY

7.00 Torturewood A family-orientated repeat of this week's episode of the sci-fi drama, with all the rude bits edited out

7.05 Flop of the Pops Dave Presley hosts a run-down of Tolworth's Top 20

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Changing Houses Two neighbours redecorate each others' houses

8.30 Changing Minds What happened when the participants in Changing Houses wish they hadn't taken part

9.00 Greenhouses from Hell Ordinary people relate their stories of how their greenhouse ruined their lives. This series has in no way anything to do with The Road Surfacing Channel's recent smash hit, Britain's Worst Greenhouses

9.30 The Offy Documentary-style sitcom, set in an off-licence

10.00 Big Bore-ther Only another 7 years 51 weeks left for the housemates. This time, Liverpudlian Greg signs an record deal even though he's never sung before

10.30 DMTV News at Ten-ish A later start tonight for no apparent reason

11.00 Much Too Late with Dave Presley Live music show, including performances from local bands including Turnip Structure, Finger, Ultimate Greenhouse Worship Mode, and the Jimmy Jones Combo

12.00 DMTV News 25

Copyright © Robert Williams 2000-2008